my mom and i just communicated a bit today. it was her way of getting to know me better.

"!!!! oh my! lemme see that, open your mouth wider! you've got vampire-ish teeth!"

"erm ya."

"since when?"

er since you replaced my milk with tomato juice?
"since my milk teeth fell out and new ones grew"

"wow! they're really sharp.. u ought to get them 'muo pin*', later u bite urself, very pain!"

...

"does anybody else realise u look like a vampire?"




* muo pin- to grind until flat

guess wad i'm having for breakfast tmr

i'm not shitting u

i did something disturbing today. i bought a packet of organic fertiliser for my plants. in short, i paid for manure. to be more specific, poultry manure. and to be more layman, chicken poop.

no chicken would ever believe me if i told it that i paid to buy its shit.

"did you know that a packet of your shit costs $2.17?"

*cluck* "no shit!"


this must be what commodification is all about. selling shit to people.

dislikes

WALKING into cobwebs.
neither me nor the spider is happy about it.

STEPPING on snails
neither me nor the snail was happy about it.


the above two dislikes are made worse at night.

walking into cobwebs in the dead of the night makes me feel like i entered twilight zone. was that really a cobweb?

the sound of the crunchy snail resonates loud and crisp in the silence, so there's no mistaking it as a dried leaf.

wad the fcuk

"too busy to fcuk"
"too drunk to fcuk"
i thought of a new design to add to fcuk's collection of those expensive plain shirts that don't say a thing.

Front view


Back view

i regret to inform everyone that the production A story about life part II has to be called off due to the lack of talent in the auditions.


they were either too disturbing


(just when i thought the dog couldn't get any uglier. he has to tie his fur into ponytails. with ribbons. that. is. just. so. wrong)




or they had the makings of a thief. why? u ask. she looks absolutely pretty and decent to me.


wait, y do u even think she is pretty? because, she is wearing my falsies!!! i realised this when she tried to flutter at me with MY lashes. check out her top view.


"Mammy!! where did u get those false lashes from to stick on that weird horned penguin? or is it an owl?"

"i saw that u weren't using your lashes much, so i decided to put them to good use."

"..."

ok lemme rephrase. maybe she doesn't have the makings of a thief. rather, a thief was making her.



so my last participant walked in, right.. and i thought to myself "wow! a hot pink panther! i've got my man, finally". (hot pink panther looks more hot in real panther, he isn't very photogenic- the camera couldn't capture the intensity of the hot pink fluorescent stuff he was made of).


it was then he turned his back to me.





wtf!



seriously, haven't u ever asked yourself sometimes, just what the hell was God thinking?

jam o jam

i was never a great fan of jam until this:

made with 50% peach and 20% passionfruit juice, it is simply heavenly.


see it being spread out on bread. every scoop generates this same amount of peachy chunks.


- Proabably the best jam in the world -

in fact, it's so good i decided to pay tribute by writing it a poem.

jam o jam
u taste so good
i push away all food
u jam up my head
all i can think of is jam
jam o jam

hell kitty

pic from http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com

THE hello kitty bicycle


that leaves trails of hello kitty everywhere.. which is the dream of hello kitty fanatics and the nightmare of Mr. hello kitty hell.


mr. anti-hello kitty's amazing site that speaks to both hello kitty fanatics and haters with a healthy dose of humour =)
http://www.kittyhell.com/

while you are there, check out also his other poignant site.
http://www.confessmail.com/



SPEAKING of cats, would u pay $22,000 for a hybrid between a cat and a leopard?
http://lifestylepets.com/cats.html
after going to so much trouble to domesticate the wild pussy, some fella with itchy hands mixes our friendly tabby with a ferocious leopard, and charges $22,000 (or $28,000 for the hypoallergenic version) to add excitement to the buyer's life. "would the leopard-cat decide that my baby in her cot is tasty?" *comes home from work and pushes open door with heart pounding 22,000 times an hour*



LET'S move on to slightly less confusing topics. boyfriends and water bottles. if u are or was ever attached: has ur bf ever bought u a water bottle? i realised that bfs like to buy water bottles for their gfs. why why why? i decided upon the following reasons:

1. cheap
2. although cheap, u get to use it everyday = practical
3. u use it everyday and it's always on you, so if u guys quarrel, he says "u say i am not caring enough" *points to water bottle that he bought u* "then wad is this?"
4. he wants you to think of him everytime you put the bottle to ur lips. bf tries to condition gf to link him with stuffs that gf puts in mouth.

however, reason 2, 3 and 4 works only if the bottle is even usable in the first place. bf bought me a (possibly expensive in view of its usability level) Hello Kitty water bottle that i hate to admit i love.

this is how it works. fill the bottom segment of the bottle with water. see the straw attached to the side? you suck on it as hard as you possibly can.


the immense sucking force that u exert creates a vacuum at the top half of the bottle (which btw, should not be containing water, which essentially means the bottle capacity is half what u see). this allows the water at the bottom half to be sucked up through this round watering-can-like device that u see in the pic (hence creating a mini-water fountain):


the water of the mini fountain u create hits the inside roof of the top compartment, and guess wad? The electronic circuit is completed with this water, a conductor of electricity, and causes psychedelic lights (at the top of the bottle) to dance around for a minute before going away.



is the designer a creative genius or wad? imagine a 22 year old using a 150ml capacity Hello Kitty water bottle that creates mini-water fountains and lights up whenever she sucks at the straw.

"i wan to go sentosa to see musical fountain!!"

"no need la, just suck at the straw."





TO show my appreciation i made bf this card. he din noe to cry or be appreciative, coz he found the idea of his face all squashed up and topped with a blue bowl very disturbing. hence i decided to photoshop his features away, lest he gets upset. excuse the ugly brown lines, i was too cheapo to replace my spoilt brown pen.



i also realised something quite disturbing myself, after making this card. kiki and lala are not lovers; they are twins! i should've guessed earlier that there was a meaning behind the name Little Twins Stars.

太空 bun

i saw this sign at the bread shop near my house.



what on earth does a space bun or 太空 bun, for that matter, mean? but seeing that no one was buying the space buns, i decided to put my curiosity aside to make the guy a more attractive sign to help sell his buns.

i love dilbert!

one of my favourite Dilbert strips



for the uninitiated, this is how Wally looked like before the 'yoga' class.

why i dropped physics

this was one of the questions in that fateful physics exam:


Draw the forces acting on the person sitting on a chair of a merry go round.



i was mortified. where on earth was the person? all i saw in the diagram was an airplane. i started to get panicky (in view of how i couldn't do every other question & this was the only one of the few questions that i understood). my palms were getting sweaty when a revelation hit me. arh.. but of course! the airplane that is stuck by a rod to the pivot has to be there in order to act as a driving force so the merry go round can rotate when it flies!

excited, i set about to draw in my own person in a chair at the other end. i even bothered factoring in direction and the fact that the person should be drawn in his/her back view for a less nauseating ride.



Pleased with my human, i drew in the forces happily.



That was the last physics exam i ever took.


before laughing at my stupidity, do realise that the diagram does look like the frontview of an airplane. see the following cartoon (courtesy of istock photo). now visualise the front view of the plane. see wad i mean?
unfortunately my teacher didn't. i took my paper to him and pointed out that i should be getting some credit (ok, half a mark, at least) for theoretically knowing how to draw in W correctly and for knowing how to draw a person in a chair. he dismissed me with a scornful laugh.



(my mom actually walked in on me when i was writing this, pointed to the first diagram, and asked: is that a tortoise? really, i think there was actually no need to have conducted so much research- this is proof enough that genes are hereditary. apparently i was the only student in the cohort who saw the person as a plane did not draw the arrows on the correct object.)

why it can be exasperating to be a vegetarian

*the following exchanges really did happen*

-in a cab-
uhm, Xiao Ming* ar, can you buy me something vegetarian? anything la, so long as vegetarian can liao.

wad is vegetarian ar? wad it mean? i dunno leh.

er..means no meat. ya. so pls get me something with no meat. i'm starving. i'll wait for u in the cab. go go go.


-back-
-cab zooms off to an ulu place with no food-


so wad did u get for me? *expectant look*

fishball noodles

wad?!

i said vegetarian! how is fishball vegetarian?

u said no meat wad. pig cow and lamb is meat. fish is not a meat.


*********************************

ai let's go for supper!!

uhm..Da Ming*, i'm vegetarian. just so u noe, u noe.

oh...not a prob! i noe of this great halal prata place.

-_-




*names have been changed to protect the guilty


since when is halal = vegetarian? chanting some prayers before killing an animal doesn't make it an un-animal, or wadever u call it. i didn't want to say plants, because the last time i claimed to eat only plants, i had a friend call me in the middle of a tutorial class (which saw me crawling under the desk to answer the call) to tell me that i shouldn't be eating mushrooms cause mushrooms are fungi and not biologically a plant.

and fish. read this Very Important article to see why fish is meat.
http://www.geocities.com/area51/vault/4251/whymeat.htm
(okok i know i am a tech lag. will somebody be so kind as to teach me how to post clickable links in blogs. perhaps the guilty ones could redeem themselves?)

little things that cheer me up

look carefully... they aren't called little things for nothing.

















see the strategic pile of vomit at the bottom left corner and the humongous water stain on the right?



now you're looking too closely..




kiddy rides are getting cuter!




recruitment propaganda starts from a young age nowadays.

WAS IT YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAM TO BE AN ASTRONAUT? LIVE YOUR DREAM.

even speakers are getting cuter. what is the world coming to?



okay, maybe not coming to. more of not coming to. their senses.


zooming in on the sign...



and now, let's cheer ourselves up from the stupidity with an OD of cuteness grabbed off the net



and finally..a world first..a hall in nus has done us proud

so you think you live in a concrete jungle?

there i was...chirping along merrily to myself..because my marigold seeds had grown into cute little babies


when i saw this- the outside of a neighbour's house.

look at the row of flower pots at the bottom. now visualise them as standard sized pots, and project the height of the entire foliage, or should i say jungle? now imagine that this is only one half of his jungle, because my camera couldn't capture the entire damned thing. there were bamboo shoots and what looked to me like full-grown christmas trees, for christ's sake.

my bf and i...we have serious communication problem. this is the furthest we go in communication about our communication problem.

dude. i feel like we can't communicate on a deeper level, you know what i mean?

no i don't.

no, don't give me that. say something constructive.

cement. bricks.

what?

u know. constructive.

i am amazed u can still walk.

what?

u know. lame.

speaking proper english kills

Ah Beng: eh, y u looking at me? wan to fight izit?

Nerdy: umm no- to both questions, actually. I wasn't casting a glance in your direction.

Ah Beng: eh. wad toking u huh. i see u look at me first.

Nerdy: sir, that's logically flawed. You see, YOU would have to be looking at me first, if you could catch that very moment that I turned to cast a glance at you, which I most certainly, to the best of my very vast knowledge and thick glasses, didn't. At least not until you chatted me up. Also, your manner of speech is hard to grasp. You should be saying: "What are you talking about? I caught you looking at me first."

Ah Beng: k*n*n*b*c*c*b* $#%@ ka kia, show him our logik arrr!!

Nerdy: it's logic, not logik. You might also like to paraphrase- "Let him have a taste of our logic" sounds more menacing. What's ka kia, by the way?

Auditions for A Story About Life now on!!

Join the once in a lifetime opportunity to feature in a production and be spotted by the producer's exclusively few friends now!! Sure beats existing as a mere ornament to collect dust... So bring your friends and come on down to audition for the chance of your pretty short lifetime. (or shelf-life?)

What are you waiting for?

I sure hope they can read. And also own a computer. With Internet connection.

The mysteries of life: why skin is called the horny layer

Or rather, the mystery (at least until I think of more) of life.

Men who molest women publicly are (lecherous and disgusting aside, that we all know) thick-skinned. What then gives them the kick of touching women since they can’t really feel whatever they are touching too well due to their thick horny epidermal layers?

I think I should compile more mysteries of life and publish them into a book as my backup retirement plan. Oh wait, that was like, two mysteries in one. Whoppie! I can go publish my book on The Mysteries of Life NOW!


Posted in memory of bored buddy. May you rest in peace and not boredom.

i hate edible-litter bugs

There is only one thing worse than a litterbug, and that is litterbugs who throw edible litter. (I had to put that hyphen in the title in case people thought I hated to eat litter bugs. Not that it isn’t true; I’m vegetarian). I used to think that throwing edibles was better than throwing inedibles, cause edibles would decompose into bio-wadever anyway, and could also feed some smaller animals, after which the leftover would be carried away by a bunch of conscientious ants born into this world to do manual labour. What caused me to change my mind?

1. It causes domestic pets, namely greedy and oblivious Snowflake, to spend twenty minutes of her walking time eating some half-decomposed cuttlefish that someone discarded on the floor. The obvious problems with that?
A) I, as her owner, have to wait for her to eat up cause she is ferocious about guarding outside food. Outside food- hah.
B) She might fall sick from eating decomposed cuttlefish.
C) Her owner has to worry about her falling sick over decomposed cuttlefish.
D) And her bad breath.

2. It causes wild animals to grow dependant on foods that we humans throw onto the floor. It could cause an eco-imbalance as all animals started growing evolutionary dependences and innate inclinations and likings towards edible-litter bugs. This might in turn encourage them to litter since some animal is always there (and fighting) to clean up after them anyway. Or worse, if a human who had a common cold threw away some half-eaten germ-infested cuttlefish onto the floor and a bird ate it and developed bird flu, the bird would pass it on to us. How else do you think bird flu came about? I didn’t have to consult Google to know that. God, I’m ingenious.

3. It decomposes on the floor and contributes to nothing but bad smells and potential slipper-stickers. Look, if the person had thrown $$, everyone would run to pick it up. If the person had thrown non-edibles, someone is bound to either pick it up and throw it away (the cleaner), or pick it up as his/her own. But if you throw edibles, the cleaner might miss the litter, cause food, especially when decomposed, is of an earthy/ not-eye-catching colour (think banana skin). Even if it is not decomposed, foods are seldom brightly coloured, since nature’s colours are usually earthy. Can you imagine eating fluorescent green pear and neon pink apple?

4. Edible-litter bugs are themselves not edible (I think). I couldn’t even eat them alive to alleviate my sufferings. And I am not rich enough/ know any professional edible-litter bug killer that I could hire. And the last I remembered, pesticide did not work on litterbugs. I think the bug was too big for the small aerosol can.


I hate edible-litterbugs.