The courage to be nothing at all

Ever gotten so bored of your own cowardice that you can't get to sleep?

Well, here I am. Wide awake at 2am on a weeknight, feeling lousy about my sore lack of guts to just do something I've always wanted to do with my life.

Which is to be a poor, happy, good-for-nothing bum.

Just imagine!

None of that self-actualization crap that the capitalist society so conveniently crams into our subconscious. If an ant can feel contented just following the ass of his fellowant, I don't see why i need a performance appraisal to prove myself as a society-worthy human.

No waking up at 7 (ok fine, I admit to waking at only 9 when that's the time I should be in office) 5 out of 7 days of my life, which is like X percentage of my entire life, which I'm too lazy to whip out a calculator to count, but which i'm goddamn sure is a depressingly high one.

Drinking teh halia downstairs at the Indian stall at 11am, surfing cute puppies while all other mortals slog away. Hell, I'm pretty darn sure even Bill Gates is working at that time (and Steve Jobs too, I'm sure, high up as he is now, is probably reselecting a better font for the signboards that say '5 clouds away from Heaven's door' and perfecting the angel halo symbol.

Back to my perfect lil life. And then I'll be trudging back up, playing with my three adorable ratties and letting them run wild in the bf's place and making this our little secret (don't worry he doesn't read my blog cause he's a hardcore cubicle rat). Strange how I'm always attracted to rodents.

And then I'll regress (or should I say progress) to being a professional housewife. I shall be diligent in supervising the maid to complete all household chores. I will contribute to increased jobs for everyone by conscientiously buying things on a whim. I think this is where my true talent lies.

There's only one lil problem. And that's the dreary sound of the alarm clock blaring me into the harsh reality of bad office vicinity food, a dusty messy workstation of- oh this is amazing I'm sleepy already.

I'm such a wimp! And even wimps gotta sleep, so good night, folks.

See ya in your cubicle.

happy birthday dad!

大の工程

i lost my cherry earring in the club

so the sweet bf took it upon himself to make me one

kitty kitty

kitty on the volcanic tops of Japan

kitty basking in park

artsy kitty at Haji Lane

kitty under my block

why so extreme?

i would much prefer doing up posters of cats anytime.

some doodling for the day

how can the toilets at my office be SO cobwebby?

don't people need to pee here?

art

art nowadays is so overrated. this piece looks like the result of leaving a black marker and correction fluid with a five year old with a fetish for squares.

inspired, i set out to create my own wall murals.

my version of a crocky high on pot:

his favourite stoned buddy:

and this is what happens when they get together:

a colourful meal never hurt anyone

the girl who stares at goats

i felt like the Girl Who Stares at Goats when taking this pic

pray tell me, how is a tin bird representative of Singapore?

i would've thought a madame tussauds figure of Phua Chu Kang might have been better. Or maybe one of Jack Neo soliciting another of his young girls.

the legendary Darkie toothpaste!

Darlie in its early racist years. what a rare find!

hardcore gamer

the chap was using his chair side as a mousepad

China, you are not alone

i wonder who would win in the battle to the funniest english bloopers, china or vietnam?

Other than seeing a restaurant sign saying No Pay, No Delicious, a Legion DVD i bought (did i just post proof of my own crime?) has this most amusing review at the back, likely ripped off the net by some unsuspecting dude who (very unfortunately) picked of all internet reviews, the lousiest one possible.

for the curious, i didn't watch this movie after reading the review.

the review did serve its purpose after all, saving me from a bad show and saving 2 hours of my life.

wearit nüe

QUESTION: what does a bo-liao girl do with free time on her hands?

ANSWER: she takes quirky pictures and starts another blog!

wearit nüe

in my wearit nüe (a designerish, act-all-cool version of wear it new) pet project, i wear my (and anyone else's, if they'll let me) clothes and stuff in a new way. in short, breathe life into pieces that you might have otherwise chucked away, all forgotten and yellowed in a cracked old corner.

and one day, when i am famous, i shall start another spinoff blog brand. here, i will sell new self-designed clothes at exorbitant designerish prices and use the $ to buy other people's designerish shit.

and this, my friends, is my grand masterplan to retire before the age of 40.

Remember, you read it here first.

I don't understand why Boon Keng always seems to have this problem with water. Last year it was a bout of uncontrolled rain in front of the fruit stall. And now, a burst water pipe, ironically next to the fire hose reel.

Apparently the ghost craze extends past Halloween. Just check out this shop somewhere near Teo Heng KTV. I think the ghastly screamings of out-of-tune KTV goers prompted some guy to start a Ghostbuster shop.

And it was open at 2a.m. Not surprising, since his customers probably need his services at unearthly times.

Check out his comprehensive marketing in-store. Complete with LCD screen and article reports on his one-of-a-kind service (probably all from LianHeWanBao).

guide to cutting queue during halloween at zouk

Anyone who's been to zouk during halloween knows just how crazy the queue is. If you want to escape the ghastly fate (pun unintended) of standing for hours outside till you shed real tears of blood, follow this tried-and-tested fail-proof guide by me and the bf:

Male Cut-Queue Stunt

1. If you are a guy, go in an outrageous costume. The club will costume-spot you and get you in sans queue and entry fee. Be creative- a stained pad, a hamster in superman suit, or.. a headless horseman. My bf* actually made this headless horseman costume from scrap materials you would have at your own home.

Bloody Neck: Food container leftover from his dabao laksa (please wash before using- you don't want to smell like laksa the entire night- unless u are going as a bowl of it).

Armour: Thick cardboard, black and silver spray paint.

Black Mesh: To hide your face so you can still see- you don't want to keep bumping into the undead the entire night, considering how a 369 teen slasher might just be hiding in the midst. If he gets pissed off and slashes you, the crowd would clap on and think it to be a club gimmick. "Wow, the gush of blood looks real! Amazing!" The commotion might win you Best Costume, but you won't get to enjoy the prize.

Medieval-looking belt: Left behind from his ah-beng days.

The costume worked pretty well- too well, in fact. The happy man confessed delightfully that women in the club were literally shoving their assets into his headless face in a bid to get that Perfect Shot for Facebook Exhibitionism.

Considering his usual height and looks, this was probably the most boobs he was coming in such close contact with for his entire life, so I grit my teeth and calmly played the role of PR manager.

"Oh my god! A headless horseman!"

"I gotta get this one..."

"How does he see?"

Me: He has a mesh over here *gestures* and his head is actually here.

"That's so cool!!"

Me: Yea, he made it himself.

"Gosh.. how long did it take him? This is amazing!"

Me: 6 nights after work.

"Could you help us take a pic? Thanks!"

We forgot our own camera, so what we did the entire night was taking pictures for others' cameras- him being the taken and me being their stand-in taker.

NOTE: Men, if you never were popular with the ladies but want to be, hide your face in some costume. My bf was never such hot property until he covered himself entirely. Off my mind I can think of another costume idea that fits the bill- ostrich with head in sand.

Female Cut-Queue Stunt

2. If you are a girl, go in your lingerie!

That's what I did, and not only did I get in for free, I even got approached for Zouk membership! The most coveted club membership that money-cannot-buy (you want to make anything priceless, just don't give it a price la.)

NOTE: this may not go down as well if you happen to weigh over 99kg. Also, I must say that I was shivering like mad when the club started blasting that cold mist thingy from time to time. I felt like a naked bunny in a nitrogen freezing experiment. If you are prone to catching colds, i recommend you stick to queuing outside.

That's it for now folks. Try my advice during Halloween 2011, and let me know how it goes.

* Tidbit of the day: the bf featured in this post is not the same one featured in previous posts, for you curious cats out there.