Wikipeedia: mystery of the female toileteers

TERMS EXPLAINED
toileteer (n)-- a relatively new term coined by a bored blogger to describe a person who uses a toilet- which happens to be everybody. in recent days it is often used to describe people who frequent the toilet for long periods of time in each visit. the phrase female toileteer is much more commonly employed than male toileteer due to a mysterious phenomenum.

PHENOMENUM
Ever since the advent of shopping centres with clean nice toilets, the female population has been spending mysteriously longer and longer periods of time in these toilets. At times, long queues of female toileteers can be spotted outside toilets with lower capacities.

THE MYSTERY
It is understandable that the male population biologically takes a shorter period of time in the toilet since historical times, as the time needed for squatting down (as in the case of the female population) need not be factored in for this group of people. Culture has increased the time difference between these two groups of people via the invention of jeans. Males need only to undo a zipper, while females donning these garments have to unzip, pull down and then sit down; which takes a much longer time especially more so as the latter population enjoy purchasing these garments in sizes too small for them.

Gu (2008), a pioneer in toileteer studies, has broken down the theoretical timeframe of toileteering into the following components:

Assumption: all subjects are wearing jeans.
Note: For females, the time frame of queuing for cubicles is not taken into consideration as this is a theoretical assessment; this waiting period is a circular result of the above stated phenomenon.


Male
1. Unzip (2 to 5 seconds, dependant on zipper quality)
2. Pee (8 to 24 seconds, dependant on urgency and bladder of subject)
3. Zip up (2 to 5 seconds, dependant on previously stated similar factor)
Total theoretical time taken: 12 to 34 seconds

Female
Without Period
1. Close door and Lock (3 to 15 seconds, dependant on the lock type and intellect of the subject)
2. Unbutton, Unzip, Pull down and Sit/ Squat (4 to 18 seconds, dependant on ability of subject to choose fitting garment size)
3. Pee (8 to 24 seconds, dependant on urgency and bladder of subject)
4. Button, Zip up, Pull up and Stand up (4 to 18 seconds, dependant on ability of subject to choose fitting garment size)
5. Unlock and Open door (3 to 15 seconds, dependant on the lock type and intellect and/or memory of the subject)
Total theoretical time taken: 22 to 90 seconds

With Period
1. Close door and Lock (3 to 15 seconds, dependant on the lock type and intellect of the subject)
2. Unbutton, Unzip, Pull down and Sit/ Squat (4 to 18 seconds, dependant on ability of subject to choose fitting garment size)
3. Pee (8 to 24 seconds, dependant on urgency and bladder of subject)
4. Change pad/ tampon (10 to 25 seconds, dependant on choice of female hygiene product and skill of subject)
5. Button, Zip up, Pull up and Stand up (4 to 18 seconds, dependant on ability of subject to choose fitting garment size)
6. Unlock and Open door (3 to 15 seconds, dependant on the lock type and intellect and/or memory of the subject)
Total theoretical time taken: 32 to 115 seconds


Largest theoretical time difference: 115 – 12 = 103 seconds or 1 min 43 seconds

Time difference in practice, also and more commonly known as bored-male-waiting time: 5 to 12 min


WHY IT IS UNSOLVABLE
Despite advancements in technology, this mystery remains unsolvable. No researcher has managed to get permission from the newly set-up NUS Institutional Review Board (IRB) to go ahead with the research topic due to ethical issues related to privacy, and the thought of unraveling the mystery to others outside of their kind on their own accord never occurred to any professional female toileteers. The few select females who spend short periods of time in the toilet are extinct unable to be reached for comment.

POTENTIAL COMPLICATIONS OF THIS SYNDROME
This unsolvable mystery has resulted in the risk-of-illegal-gathering-phenomenum, where groups of singular males are seen loitering around the area outside the toilets. When this area is too small, these males have to stand closer to one another, hence giving off an illusion of an illegal gathering should an over-enthusiastic but uninformed policeman pass by.