Monday, March 31, 2008

it's hard to think of anything else after doing a 12,000 word essay on it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

umbrella....ella..ella..EH! EH! EH!

there is something seriously wrong with the written instructions on the umbrella dispensing machine that we now see everywhere.

STEP 1: Insert notes below after you have decided to buy an umbrella.

wtf! who would insert money if he/she didn't want an umbrella?

STEP 2: Press BUY button. Press once to buy 1 umbrella, press twice to buy 2 umbrellas.

look, how many umbrellas can a person need? and because of step 2, there has to be step 3.

STEP 3: Press "change" button for change (if any). Change (if any) will be dispensed at the bottom.

a sure way to con the average, non-instruction-reading chap who is used to ALL other vending machines dispensing change automatically and waits impatiently for change before assuming the machine is out of order. he then stomps off, grouchy that he has been cheated by a bunch of umbrellas.

and guess what. the "change" button and "buy" button are the exact same shape, colour and size. while they have bilingual instructions for the nitty gritty details, they cannot be bothered where it matters.

i'm lovin' it

yes, that irritating mcdonalds tagline has just been given a whole new level of meaning.

i lost my...

i just realised how technologically dependent we have grown.

in the past, an uttering of "i lost my virginity" would bring about horrified shrieks, and maybe even an empathetic stare or two from people who did not enjoy their first time.

today, "i lost my laptop" definitely garners more attention and invokes more sympathy than you losing your friggin' virginity.

"i lost my laptop!"

"gosh!" *round of empathetic looks* "did you back up your stuffs? oh dear oh dear...."

"i lost my virginity!"

"oh really. about time, too."

not everyone sees the delight in veggies

why do people eat fast food? other than the obvious of 'fast', the appeal of fast food lies in its predictability and standardisation.

which is why i can't comprehend my experience at subway.

i ordered a veggie delight (what else).

toasted with cheese. yes.

all veggies. yes.

choice of sauce? barbecue.

i stared at the guy as he tossed in a few shreds of lettuce, 4 strands of capsicum, 2 rings of onion, 1 tomato slice, and 2 olive slices.

while writing all that down may give off the illusion that that's a hell load of veggies, i can assure you that in practice, that is a measly, pathetic amount. the only hell load of stuff i received was the sauce.

i was in such disbelief that i did not say a thing, because i was pretty darn sure he was going to say happy april's fool, in advance.

apparently it was no joke.

have you ever eaten a subway sandwich that is flat as though there are zero ingredients clipped between the bread? have you ever eaten a subway sandwich that has more sauce than it has ingredients?

well, i have.

i just don't understand this guy. while he may hate veggies and love his sauce, some people may not feel the same.

especially someone whose order is veggie delight.

Monday, March 24, 2008

make the world a better place...

... by tapping the shoulders of the next wise guy you see playing his cell phone music at full blast, as though assuming you share the same music taste in tamil pop or hip hop. gush excitedly and ask if you could have him send you his entire collection of melodious music via bluetooth to your phone. if he refuses, ask him why then did he put his music out on display if it's not for sharing.

... by thanking all bus drivers who wait up for you to run 100 metres to catch his bus. smile at them and assure them that we will not let anyone box them anymore.

... by petting three cute kitties on your way to school/work and then shaking hands to make up with someone at school/work that you dislike, ensuring that the kitties love pats and the 'someone' hates kitties.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

that's why

i have been thinking about mas selamat quite a bit lately. it's hard not to, with his face plastered everywhere in all forms and images.

i cannot help but wonder how he managed to escape, especially since singapore has always prided herself on her security. it is a mystery indeed, more so if you consider how selamat devoted his entire life to his religion, and hence should be very pious and follow islamic teachings faithfully. if left to his own devices, selamat should have been very happy and contented with his free food and lodging.

and that was when i came up with my theory. it's a conspiracy, i tell you. taxi uncles have pooled all their meagre savings to bribe the poor dude standing guard outside selamat's jail, so that a national panic and fear of taking public transport would drive a mad scramble for taxis. their conversation went like this:

eh hock ar, lately you got earn enough a not?

you say leh? government make our fare so ex, who want to take our rides? we old uncles already somemore.

ya la, i also. now i see those drunk kia also must pick up, vomit all over my car.

cannot la, lidat..

*chorus of agreement and serious nods from other taxi uncles at the Board of Taxi Uncles meeting*

ai ya, but what to do? public transport cheap and good, can even get to smell other people's armpits and b-yo zhar bo on their way to work, who want to take taxi? unless some mrt kenna bomb la. den all the kiasi singaporean won't dare to take mrt liao. take mrt, later ma-ti.

*enlightenment sets in on the face of one exceptionally bright taxi uncle who didn't grow up in singapore*

the rest is history.

yepz. the reason why mas selamat hasn't been found despite our tightest security measures and largest airbus a380 and latest singapore flyer is that he's having a whale of a time taking turns doing sleepovers at taxi uncles' houses. selamat= happy

that's why 4.5 million pairs of eyes couldn't spot him. and that's why he didn't get washed out in a landslide caused by soil erosion despite recent heavy rainfalls.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

it's official

when i saw this mms on my phone i was devastated. something in my life will change forever.

i'm 157.5cm. which means i've just been officially classified by the police as of 9th March as shorter than short. i can no longer pretend that i am of average-ish height.

and it's all mas selamat bin kastari's fault!!!

hence i decided to be evil by revealing why mas selamat bin kastari 'limps on left leg'.

i hope there's no internet connection in indonesia.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

food for thought

recently, food for thought has taken on a whole new level of meaning for me.

as i lapped up the last of my new year goodies, i noticed something:

my favourite pineapple tarts bear a striking resemblance to the flowers on my sofa!

i was initially exhilarated as i found this to be an amusing sight.

however, upon giving it more thought i was more disturbed than anything else. the thought of eating a thing that resembles something that comes in contact with my entire family's bums suddenly made it much less appetising.

the other day, i told my mom to prepare two soft-boiled eggs for her greedy daughter. upon cracking the two eggs four egg yolks stared back at me.

twins!!! what a joyous occasion!

but not when you're eating them. i turned mournful.

and definitely not when they could very well have been the produce of genetically modified chickens. two sets of twins occuring in the same egg carton is too much of a coincidence. my heart skipped a beat.

see what i mean? one can never be sure of what to think or feel anymore. =(
i am one lost soul.
i understand that as a vegetarian, flavours i can choose from are limited. but this is perhaps too much.

vegetarians are humans, too.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

don't you just love my parents?

credits roll


-cast in order of appearance-

faux doctor: my bf

worried patient: my mom

real doctor: my dad

director: me

special thanks to my dad, who provided the props
i think i looked just a wee bit scary in the past.

so i tried to stop showing my face so much.

now you look like a terrorist, my friends say, and trust me, this isn't exactly a look you would want nowadays.

so this time i go all out and cover my entire face.

according to my friends it's worse this way.

then i gave up and decided to come out of hiding.

someone thought i looked like a cocoon.

what's a girl gotta do these days?

the many stages of a relationship

he lets you paint his nails and dares step out of the house in them.

it was so well done, the toenails went green with envy

he still entrusts his image styling to you, so long as it's behind doors, and there's no way these photos are gonna leak out.

"namo amituofo. i hail from tibet"

"the forty thieves are in changi prison, left only me"

he starts to resist your efforts to make him look good. he starts needing reassurance.

"trust me, you look like a star"

he stops resisting. and obliges willingly to your every whim.

"make my death quick"

girls, be patient. you can get him to reach stage 4 one day, if you persist.